THE TOON 2 THE GREAT SATANS 1 **** PREMYA LEEGUE 2025-2026

 Posted just after ‘high noon 🕛 bells 🔔’ onwards, Thorzday 5th March 2026

“THERE’S ONLY ‘ONE’ UNITED!”⬆️

Where there's a 'Will', there's a way!

(Enjoy the Brazilian commentary!)

Not anly did we have to play with 10 men after the ridiculous sendin off of Jacob Ramsey in injury time in the forst half, but 2 of the 3 officials dillibrit misstayks made it 10 v 13!

NUFC were the much better side az we attacked the Leazes goal in the forst period!---Loads of bad decisions and timekeepin denied us the lead at the break---and we were doon to 10 men az well!

The main taakin point of the half woz the sendin off of Jacob Ramsey, who had aalready been booked!  The ref Bankes said he had dived in the box, when, in fact he had tripped and fell and the red card woz produced to wor number 41, az the crowd raged with fury!

Just after the sendin off, Anthony Gordon woz hacked doon in the box by Fernandez and the ref had nee choice, but to award us a penalty! (This produced wild moanin from Fernandez and Maguire, but there woz nee way that it wasnt a pen!) They are well named 'Moan U' for certain!

Gordon took it after the lang 'moanin' delay and smashed the baall past Lammens  in the Mancs goal, to put us 1-0 up in the 6th minute of added time!

The 4th official had put 5 minutes up, but inexplicably the ref played on until the ninth minute of added time, when the linesman gave a foul to Moan U on the edge of the box, when Lewis Haall had cleanly won the baall! 

Fernandez took the kick and Casemiro heeded home to level the scores, to the fury of the crowd! (ie: How the hell did it gan to 4 extra minutes, ower the 5 indicated?)

The ref (of course) then blew for half time, to loud booing from the crowd az he and hiz cronies left the pitch! 

You would rightly have though that with one extra man that 'The Great Satans' (aka Red devils) would find a 2nd goal to win the game---but The Toon had other ideas az Aaron Ramsdale in wor goal, made several breathtakin saver to deny them!

The attendance woz then annoonced ower the loudspeakers: "Today's attendance is 52,184!" the annooncer said, to loud woooing from the away section! "You've seen United--now fcuk of home!", they said, tryin to take the p*ss! (The Theatre of Muppets of course, holds 22,000 more!)

And then the game clincher!---Will Osula replaced Anthony Gordon in the 85th minute and at that point, looked az though it would end in a 1-1 draw---BUT Osula woz havin none of it and bang on the 90th minute he jinked doon the right wing and cut in to send a fabulous banana shot past Lemmens in 'The Great Satans' goal, to lift the roof off the stadium!

At this point most of the 3,200 'Satans' started departin for trains to London (nee doubt) az The Toon fans got revenge for their earlier chants and sang, "You've seen United --now fcuk off home!" (Revenge iz sweet!)

5 minutes stoppage time went to 8 (az yid expect from the corrupt ref Bankes!) for Moan U to get their 2nd equaliser, but Ramsdale had other ideas and pulled off more great saves to deny them!---After frantic whistling from the crowd, the ref finally blew for full time az the roar of the crowd reached deafenin proportions!

The 10 men had triumphed az we beat 'The Great Satans' for the 4th time in a row at SJP, which brought to an end wor losin streak of 3 home games in a row in the Premyaa Leegue!

Yih just divvint naa wot to expect from NUFC---Crap one week---brilliant the next!

Attendance: 52,184 (3,200 Satans---but less than half that number by the end!)

*VERY HAPPY FANS HEED FOR THE NEAREST DRINKIN DENS FOR SOME CELEBRATORY LIQUID LUBRICATIONS!⬇️

THE TOON V THE MOAN U MUPPETS *** TOOMORROW NEEET!

Posted 'high noon bells' Wedinzday 3rd March 2026

"THE DOWNWARD SPIRAL!" 🌀 

To win this game we need to hoy the form book oot the window, az Moan U are currently joint top of the tree with 5 wins oot of their last 6 games, while NUFC are 2nd bottom with 5 losses oot of the last 6!

The problem iz that wor players look shattered playin 2 games a week for the last 4 months!---And of course us fans are shattered az well, with aall the travellin we have had to dee in that time!

It doesn’t help that key player are oot injured, or that the likes of Waltemade, Elanga and Wissa who cost a combined total of £179 MILLION, have failed to produce the goods, with just ONE solitary goal this calendar year between them in the Premyaa Leegue! (Waltemade 1, Wissa 0 and Elanga 0)

NUFC have dropped alarmingly from 6th place at the beginning of January, when we beat Leedz 4-3 with 2 dramatic goals in stoppage time, to 13th az we write this article! NUFC have conceded a staggering 31 this year, so far, in aall competitions! 17 games) and scored 31 az well (9 against Qarabag)

That’s 62 goals, giving an average of  3.6 per game, for and against!

Qualifying for ANY European competition next season looks highly unlikely now, (unless we win the Champions Leegue or FA Cup) az wor season unravels!

It certainly doesn’t help that wor players were boood off at SJP for the 2nd time within a month, which makes the situation even harder of course! (ie: If this trend carries on, the players won’t want to play for us anymore!)

We at The Geordie Times have NEVER bood the team off, even in the dark days when we nearly got relegated to the 3rd Division! (Now Leegue One)

We need to get back on track and avoid a 4th Premyaa Leegue home defeat in a row!   NUFC have actually beaten Moan U 3times in a row at SJP and are lookin for a 4th win! —But which Toon team will torn oot toomorrow neet,  at the ridiculous ‘8:15 bells 🔔 kick off time, we ask???

Live telly—TNT 📺 

Anyway!—-A full Geordie Times match report will appear here sometime on Thorzday!— Let’s hope (and pray!) that it’s a good one! 🙏🏻 

 

THE TOON 2 THE TOFFEE NOSES 3 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2025-2026

 PPosted ‘high noon bells’ 🔔 Sunday 1st March 2026

 “WE’LL JUST HAVE TO WIN THE CHAMPIONS LEEGUE!” (sic!)

Another disjointed performance in wor 45th game of the season, meenz we have won just one oot of wor last 7 Prem games, and have lost 3 Premyaa Leegue games in a row at SJP!

Put it in simple terms, NUFC don’t have a proven striker to score wor goals and with 2 games a week for the last 4 months, wor thin squad looks absolutely knackered!

Evaatin’s away record iz much better than their home form at their new abode next to the Mersey river, where The Toon win 4-1 orlier this season!

Any hope of a Leegue double quickly evaporated when wor visitors took the lead in the 19th minute, from one of their set piece corners! (They’ve scored quite a few goals from corners!)

Garner’s corner heeded in by Branthwaite off the post at The Gallowgate End to give them a 1-0 lead!

Then, just 12 minutes later, we were level when a great Sandro Tonali pass, foond Jacob Ramsey and wor number 41 wellied the baall past Pigford ( hiz original name) who woz wrang footed from a deflection, to bring us back on level torns!

We were still celebrating that goal when, within 2 minutes, Evaatin were back in front, when a  McNeil shot woz parried away by The Pope in The Toon goal, when he should have caught it!

It fell nicely to Beto who couldn’t miss with the goal gaping! 2-1 to them at HT

We came oot in the 2nd half and before the game had restarted, Jacob Murphy ‘ hoyed up’ on the pitch and had to be replaced by Joe Willock!

Both Waltemade (£69 million) and Elanga (£55 million) were in terrible form and were substituted for Jacob Murphy and Harvey Barnes, just 10 minutes after the restart! (Yoane Wissa (£55 million) aalso came on in the 75th minute for Trippier, but woz inafective az well) Those 3 costly summer signings haven’t produced the goods, for certain! £179 MILLION!

(Waltemade haz scored 7 Premyaa Leegue goals, but just ONE in 2026!  Wissa, who replaced ‘Isak the 🐀’ az main striker, haz scored ONE Premyaa Leegue goal and Elanga haz scored NEE Premyaa Leegue goals!)😵‍💫

Just when it looked az though the 2-1 scoreline would win the game for The Toffee Noses, up stepped Jacob Murphy to hit a shot from 25 yards oot, which took a deflection off an Evaatin defender, to again wrang footed 🐷 Pigford (Name changed to Pickford by deed poll) to level the score again in the 82nd minute!

Again we were still celebrating Murphy’s goal, when Anthony Gordon dribbled roond himself and lost possession!

The baall ended up in wor box and a mad scramble foond 2 players and the BAALL in the back of wor net, within ONE MINUTE of wor equaliser!

To concede one goal straight after scorin iz terrible—but to concede TWO goals after scorin’ iz unforgivable! (Substitute Barry their scorer in the 83rd minute!)

Sandro Tonali aalmost foond an equaliser in stoppage time, but hiz piledriver shot woz somehow tipped onto the bar by their mackem keeper, to deny the Italian!

FT Lost 3-2

Again, the players were unforgivably boood off at the final whistle! Like the Brentfaad home game, where we aalso lost 3-2)

Something The Geordie Times haz never done!

We are SO FAR behind a Champions Leegue place, (12 points) that the anly way we will qualify for next season’s competition, iz if we win it this season!   An easy 2 legged tie v Barcelona next in the roond of 16! 😱

Attendance: 52,167 (3,000 happy Toffee Noses!)

*

THE TOON V THE TOFFEE NOSES *** THIS AFTERNOOON!

 Posted 'high noon bells' Saturday 28th February 2026

ROSIE’S BAR *** IN THE SHADOWS OF SJP

"TOFFEES IN TOON!"

We play Evaatin in The Premyaa Leegue this afternooon at the unusual kick off time of '3:00 bells', az its not on live telly (for a change!)

Not sure just wot wor startin line up will be, but we hear that Bruno will be oot of contention for a few weeks, while the likes of Lewis Miley iz nearly ready for a retorn to the fray! (But not today)

Fab Schar and Tino Livramento will aalso be missin, but Malik Thiaw and Jacob Ramsey will be in contention for certain! (Thiaw retornin from a one match ban)

The Toon beat The Toffee Noses 4-1 at their brand new Dickheed Stadium orlier this season--and the same score would be very nice indeed---thank yoo very much!

A full Geordie Times match report on the game will appear here az per usual on Sunday---sometime! 

THE TIMES THEY ARE 'A' CHANGIN!

 Posted 7:00pm bells' 🔔 Friday 27th February 2026

"FROM GLANFORD PARK TO THE NOU CAMP!"

The draw for the knockoot stage of The Champions Leegue took place this mornin', pairin NUFC with Barcelona ---again!----This meeenz that we will play the Catalan giants THREE times this season, havin aalready played them in the group stage---losin 2-1 at SJP

Who would have thought that in the dark days when 'The Fat Controller' (Ashley) woz wor disastrous owner?

In those days in The Championship we played the likes of  Scunthorpe United, who actually beat us 2-1 at Glanford Park in the 2009-2010 season in front of a record attendance of 8,921!

('Scunny' now reside in The National Leegue, playin the likes of  ‘The Gatesheed Heedbangers!') 

This will actually be the THIRD time we have played Barca at their famous home, havin played their in 1997 and 2003!

Dates and times comfirmed!⬇️

"BRING IT ON!"

CHAMPIONS LEEGUE ROOND OF 16 DRAW

 Posted from ‘10:30am bells 🔔’ onwards, Friday 27th February 2026: Updated az draw iz made for aall roonds to the final!

BARCELONA in roond of 16

ATLETICO MADRID OR SPORZ in qwaataa finals

BODO GLIMT, SPORTING LISBON, BAYER LEVERKUSEN OR THE ARSE in semi finals

PSG, CHELSEEE, GALATASARAY, THE LIVERBIRDS, REAL MADRID, MAN CITIH OR ATALANTA IN THE FINAL IN BUDAPEST!

POSTED EARLIER ⬇️

The draw for the last 16 in the Champions Leegue iz due to take place from 11:00am bells 🔔 this mornin!

NUFC can anly draw eethaa Chelseee or Barcelona at this stage, with the 1st leg at SJP! And the 2nd leg away (Dates and times confirmed!)⬇️

Prices up £4 from Qarabag home game!😵‍💫£69 adults*** 👴🏻£44 old tw*ts*****£39 sprogs!👶 ***ie: Daddy and 2 bairns £147 minimum!😱

IZ THIS THE NEW HOME SHIRT FOR 2026-2027?

 Posted ‘high noon 🕛 bells’ 🔔 Thorzday 26th February 2026

NUFC HOME SHIRT 2026-2027?⬆️

SPOT THE SIMILARITY?

JUVENTUS HOME SHIRT THIS SEASON⬇️

'The Geordie Times' woz watching the Juventus v Galatasaray Champions Leegue game on the ‘dodgy ☠️ stick’ and we couldn’t help notice Juve’s black n white striped shirts with different width stripes!

We hear👂that NUFC are rumoured to be deein the same, az both clubs have Adidas az their strip manufacturers!

It’s lookin more and more likely that the above design WILL be wor new home shirt for season 2026-2027

From a personal point of view, I wish they wouldn’t mess aboot with wor stripes, but of course us fans have got nee say in wor strips design!  We’ll be caalled ‘The Barcodes’ again nee doubt, IF this iz genuine!? ⬇️

Remember!— you read this excluuusive ‘non news’ forst in 'The Geordie Times!'

THE TOON 3 THE CARRIER BAGS 2 AGGREGATE 9-3 *** CHAMPIONS LEEGUE PLAY OFF 2nd LEG

Posted 'high noon bells' 🔔Wedinzday 25th February 2026

  

"JUST CHAMPION!"

This woz NUFCs 150th Competitive European game (not includin 13 in the Anglo Italian Cup) and the 9-3 aggregate score iz wor biggest ever win in The Champions Leegue!

We had a much changed team from the weekend and we played in wor traditional black n white stripes, but with white shorts and socks, az we normally dee in European games!

It started off well again, just like it did in the 1st leg 6-1 win in Baku, when we took a 2 goal lead in the forst 6 minutes! (8 minutes in Baku!)

Sandro Tonali opened the scorin in the 4th minute when Will Osula's heeder woz parried away by Qarabag's goalie into the path of Tonali, who had the simple task of toe pokin the baall ower the line at The Leazes End! 1-0 to us and 7-1 on aggregate

Within 2 minutes of that goal, NUFC doubled wor lead when Harvey Barnes crossed the baall and Joelinton woz on hand to welly the baall into the net! 2-0 to us and 8-1 on aggregate!

It looked az though it would be a cricket score after this, but wor Azerbaijanian visitors didnt panic and had a couple of chances to pull one back, but Aaron Ramsdale in The Toon goal denied them!

WE should really have been at least 4 up by the break, with several chances gannin wide and so so we had to settle for the 2 goal lead at the break!

'The Carrier Bags' (Geordie slang!) pulled one back in the 54th minute when Dan Burn lost a 100 yard race for the baall with Duran and he cooly put the baall past Ramsdale to half the deficit! 2-1 to us and 8-2 on aggregate! 

The 301 Qarabag fans in the corner of the Leazes End 7th level went crazy with delight! (Looked a few more than that to us, high up in the gods!)⬇️

Moments later we had restored wor 2 goal advantage when a Kieran Trippier corner foond the heed of Sven Botman and wor number 4 mayd nee missstayk with a bullet heeder from close range at The Gallowgate End! 3-1 to us and 9-2 on aggregate!

Again 'The Baggies from Baku' rallied when Dan Burn needlesly handled the baall in the penalty area and the ref pointed straight to the spot!

Jankovic took the kick but it woz brilliantly saved by Ramsdale!

Unfortunatly the baall fell to Cafarguliyev (hope av sppelt that reet?) and he fired into the roof of the net from a very tight angle to narrow the margin to one goal! 3-2 to us and 9-3 on aggregate!

Really the game woz like a trainin session in most parts and we were not on top form, with misplaced passes etc!

There were nee more goals , so we had to settle for the 9-3 aggregate score in the end!---The result meenz that we are now top scorers in The Champions Leegue this season with 26 goals and of course we progress to 'The roond of 16', where we will play eethaa Chelseee or Barcelona in the knockoot stage! (Home 1st leg--away 2nd leg)

The draw to decide this iz on Friday at '11:00am bells'🔔*They are aalso deein the draw for the qwaataa finals and semi finals az well!

Attendance: 50,068 (301 Carrier Bags!)

 

THE TOON V THE CARRIER BAGS*** CHAMPIONS LEEGUE *** TOONEET!

 Posted ‘high noon 🕛 bells 🔔’ Tuezday 24th February 2026

HOME SWEET HOME!*** IN THE SHADOWS OF SJP!

The games just keep coming thick and fast, but thankfully the next 5 are aall home games, (Provided we beat 'Carrier Bag' (Carabag) on aggregate) 

Thankfully tooneet, 🚂 trains ✈️ planes 🚊 trams and 🚖 taxis arnt needed to get to and from SJP! (For those of us who live on Tyneside, anyway!) Just local 🚌 busses and the Metro to get us there and back! (Free busses az well, coz 'I’m gettin on a bit!'😵‍💫) This makes a change from last week when we had to get the above transport, to get to Baku, where Qarabag play their Champions Leegue games!

Sven Botman And Yoane Wissa are back in trainin and are expected to be inwor squad, while Anthony Gordon and Sandro Tonali are expected to be rested!  Malik Thiaw iz suspended——Tino Livramento, Bruno, Lewis Miley and Fab Schar are still injured and will take no part in the proccedings!

Winnin 6-1 from the forst leg in Azerbaijan, it would be virtually impossible to get knocked oot!— But this IZ NUFC after aall! (Surely not?)

The game kicks off at '8:00 bells' and iz live on 'Amazon Prime', if yih divvint have a ticket for the game!

We havvint got a clue, just how many Qarabag fans will make the trip (if any?) but the average wage in Azerbaijan iz just £50 per week!---Less than the admission price for an adult tooneet! (£65)    (It woz £18 in Baku)

The draw for the last 16 knockoot stage takes place this Friday at '11:00 am bells', where we will play eethaa Chelseee or Barcelona IF we get through!--The forst leg will be at SJP on Tuezday 10th or Wedinzday 11th March and the away leg on Tuezday 17th or Wedinzday 18th March

'The Geordie Times' will of course let yiz naa az soon az we find oot wor opponents! (Chelseee would be much cheaper of course!)

A full match report on tooneets game will be published sometime tomorrow!---Az per usual---* "Watch this space!" * ⬇️

THE BLUE MOONIES 2. THE TOON 1 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2025-2026

 Posted from ‘high noon 🔔 bells’ onwards, Sunday 21st February 2026 (on the train back to The Toon)

“WHY DON’T THEY KNOW THE RULES?”

The main talkin point of this he game woz Dan Burn’s heeded goal in the 42nd minute, which woz ruled oot for offside!—From wor view behind the far goal we didn’t realise that he had been pushed into an offside position by Silva, az he heeded the baall into the net! (Sorry!—  got that wrang— it woz Rodri who pushed Big Dan!)

The rules say that if a player iz pushed into an offside position and scores, then the goal should stand! (Or given a penalty at least!)

VAR had a look and incredibly ruled Burn’s goal oot!— Another bad decision that haz went against NUFC! —More Cartel corruption or wot!??

Anyway!—-NUFC wore wor aall dark blue change strip and the game started off in the usual way doon these parts, when ‘Citih’ took the lead through O’Reilly from a Marmoush cross in the 14th minute, after poor defendin from us! 1-0 to them!

Normally this meenz that more ‘Citih’ goals would follow, but this time we fought back when Lewis Hall hit a shot from a Sandro Tonali corner, which deflected off a home defender in the 22nd minute!  1-1

The Blue Moonies retook the lead just 5 minutes later, when a Haaland cross foond O’Reilly, who heeded home unmarked in front of the goal! 2-1 to them!

And then the Dan Burn controversy!

HT 2-1 to them!

We held wor own in the 2nd period, but couldn’t find a second equaliser!  Silva should have been sent off for a crushing shoulder charge on Dan Burn, but the ref thought otherwise and waved the protests away!🥶

Haaland aalso elbowed Thiaw, but nee VAR review of that eethaa!🥶

Both teams could have scored again, but the game petered oot az the home fans whistled frantically for the final whistle!

It came after 5 minutes stoppage time, to leave us pointless for the 17th time in row at The Ethiad Stadium!

It certainly iz a ‘jinx’ groond for NUFC , az we have anly won here once before!— A Leegue Cup tie many moons ago!

PS: It shud be noted that it p*ssed doon, in ‘The City of Rain’, before, durin and after the match and that we got drenched az well!

Attendance: 52,187 (3,065 Toon fans)

*Wor epic 7 away games marathon in 25 days haz come to an end —-and when we complete the jorney back to ‘The Central’ 🚂 at 1:00pm bells 🔔’ we will have travelled 9,140 miles (give or take 100), to Paris in France, Liverpoool, London, Birmingham, Baku in Azerbaijan via Edinburgh in Scotland and Manchester twice!

And followin that! —-we now have an unpresidented 5 home games in a row!  (Providing we beat Carrier Bag (Qarabag) in the 2nd leg of the Champions Leegue play off roond) (With a 6-1 lead from the 1st leg, we are aalmost certain to qualify for the knock oot stage, where the 1st leg will be at wor SJP home! (We certainly need a rest! 😴) (The roond trip from ‘Geordie Times’ HQ to SJP iz less than 4 miles!)

Wor next away day iz at Chelseee in west London in 3 weeks time!

Manchester pub crawl ⬇️ 5 drinkin dens